photo provided by nixpaztix, inc.

Mayonnaise is a very traumatic product for me.  My mother used to slather the white stuff into my hair as a child in order to tame my wild hair. She believed it was a conditioning agent- when really the only thing it did was cause me to smell like a bologna sandwich. 

The product spawned the discovery of the Casimir Effect, which proves that the universe will always expand.  Invented in 1756, George Washington Carver seemed to have his hand in it.  Not to be confused with its more disgusting knock off, mayonnaise has a lot going for it.  A favorite Spelling Bee word, a racial litmus test, a hair conditioner — is there anything mayonnaise cannot do?  You can even win prizes with it!  What other condiments spawned theories?  Sunday school kids learn about faith and mustard seeds.  Guess what? Ketchup is hot on its wheels.  Next thing we know, it will be used as a face-mask.  Scary. 

To quote a friend, “White & Creamy is my favorite food group.”  I’m nearly falling off my chair over here.  Must be tired. Or a simpleton.